Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One

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The death of a loved one is never something easy to cope with. As adults we have our own means of grieving with loss and it’s something we learn with time and experience. Yet, even adults have a hard time finding ways to cope. 

Mommy, Is Grandpa in heaven?

This year will mark two years since my father passed away from cancer. It was hard to watch him deteriorate so rapidly in his last few months but it was even harder to help my then 5 year old understand what was happening to Grandpa. The changes were so drastic it was hard to avoid the questions and I tried to appease every situation with, “Grandpa is sick baby.”

Had this been the first loss my son ever knew about it probably would have been easier but it wasn’t. My grandfather passed away just after my son was born, and my son eventually came to learn that my grandfather passed away and went to “heaven” because my mom told him, but he never understood why. As time went by, my son developed more and more questions. Why did your Grandpa die? Is your Grandpa in heaven with my Grandpa? Can I go see Grandpa in heaven? Is Grandpa coming back?

Every time my son would ask, he’d have me choked up.  These questions were hard because learning his reality was hard. I couldn’t expect my son to understand that cancer can kill people or that dying of old age is a part of life. There are still many nights my son comes to sit on my lap to talk about Grandpa. He looks at photos and he cries and, of course, this breaks my heart.

Finding Ways to Cope

Recently our conversations have increased, and I always pray that my son finds some sort of solace in his heart. Here are some of the things I have learned over the past few years which seem to have helped with keeping a positive memory of our loved ones. Not only has it helped my son but it has helped me as well.

Open Heart, Open Ears & Open Arms

Always make time to talk about what your child is feeling. Ask them what made them think of that person or pet. Let them feel safe to ask questions and don’t be afraid to give answers in a way that they would understand.

Sharing Memories

I find that sharing memories of my father and grandfather bring comfort to my son. I try and connect positive things like how my son gets his tinkering robotics skills from his grandpa who was an engineer. Sometimes we look through old albums, photos and videos which helps him remember his fun times and some older times so he learns something new.

Celebrating Life After Death

My family believes in honoring our loved ones by remembering their life as much as their death. We still celebrate their birthday even though they are gone because we are grateful that we had them in our lives. We hold a memorial every year to remember them not for how they left but for how they lived. We may miss them being here but we understand it was their time to go.

What We Learn

These conversations are never easy but part of coping is understanding what we learn. From each experience, we learn from the lessons they taught us and we grow from the love they gave us. I always tell my children these things will never leave us because we keep them in our heart.